THE WONDER COMPUTER

ntrusion... confusion... convolution... contusion... astrocution ... push another button, Nudnik, this ain’t no Astroanto Charade Tournament."

The slippery mechanical words pummeled Paroofa’s hear-pores as he fidgeted with a consoleful of levers and switches. He punched in a new combination and then whistled into the glistening control rod.

"This is Paroofa, Mind-Fudge Clearance Project, Drawback 90, Bonezone...calling Glooka, The Wonder Computer, Downtown...am unfamiliar with these new controls...kindly assist."

A whirring sound filled the cubicle, the lights blinked out, and the Visiscreen lit up with a 3-D advert for Old Gefilte Flesh Tonic. It was painfully loud.

"Spud... plud... nanoblood... fudd... excrecrud... what’re you doing, Sonny? I have many important atems on my igenda today, and I have no time for malarky."

Paroofa poked a button marked IN-SCHMO.

"Um, hey down there, listen! I’m having some trouble with input coefficients here...shift network is rerouting my program through an alien-floss channel and I can’t get my transmission out without ano-alteration. Can a time-floss override be hooked in here for a moment?"

The three-dimensional advert abruptly transmogrified into a howling temporal-swipe banshee, another alien-floss channel. Halucinographic astrosocks assaulted Paroofa’s hear-pores with fresh cacophonics...then they disappeared.

"Time-floss temporary override. This is Glooka, Downtown. State preferences and be prepared for shuttle transmission."

Relieved, Paroofa gathered his wits, which had scattered all over the floor of the cubicle.

"Paroofa, Mind-Fudge Clearance Project, Drawback 90, Bonezone...hello yourself, Glooka."

"Hello yourself, Bonezone Paroofa...shift to 12 buckles, 18 dots, then choose one from column A and two from column B."

"One from A, two from B. Check." Paroofa tweaked the necessary switches.

"That’ll be 20 nanoclams for the first three questions."

Paroofa deposited his chips into the fluttering hallucinohand, which had loomed up out of the Visiscreen.

"You thank me...now state preferences."

Paroofa cuddled the alarm button on his Smegophone and began. -I wish to locate one Treflin Karmora, formerly a roommite of the 22nd Century Unicommand Welfare Disbursement Center, Hall of Glooka, Midtown. Check. I wish to negate an econo-delirium mastoid transplant. Check. I wish to...."

"Cease transmission, Bonezone Paroofa...my Visiscreen senses phony nanoclams. Prepare for artifact light-freeze penalty."

But Paroofa was megaprepared; as hostile hallucinohands groped for him from the Visiscreen, he drew his concealed mudgun and unleashed a barrage of zords onto the surprised computer cubicle.

The Visiscreen blushed pink and melted...the buttons and switches became confused and exasperated...and Glooka, The Wonder Computer, made a mental note to get even with the Mind-Fudge Clearance Projector.

"Crummy... scummy... dummy... cosmorummy... you’ll get yours, Bonezone Paroofa...."

Paroofa, however, was already fleeing for the exit, unmindful of the servomechanism’s displeasure. He dashed under the turnstiles, past the Aardguard Patrol, and up through the Central Access Facility...right into the clamps of the waiting Unicommand Watch Force.

The Karmora Papers is Copyright ©1976,1993,1996 by Dennis Báthory Kitsz and David Gunn. All rights reserved. If you enjoy this book, an appreciation fee of any amount may be made to Dennis Báthory-Kitsz or David Gunn at Malted/Media Productions, 176 Cox Brook Road, Northfield VT 05663.

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