The Karmora Papers


The question immediately arises: Why is this man a writer? The answer is that Kalvos Gesamte is like most beings who are poor and desperate for fame, renown and maybe a little profit. He liked to pen a tune or two, but coming across a matchbook that described how to learn the wonders of authorship by writing neat paragraphs to make money, Gesamte was led to research this material on Treflin Karmora. With a great deal of effort, he became the kind of writer he was meant to be, thus foregoing his beloved envelope addressing.

Kalvos was born October 27, 1904 in Krystofzlepakskymczvz, Lithuania, spending his early years in detention at the Rikers Reform Island (Unrepentant Tricycle Larceny). By age 12 he was flash-reformed and released to the custody of several of his parents. Kalvos spent time at Onendago Community College in Syracuse, New York, and did time in the Ossening Correctional Facility in 1925. As a recidivist composer, his first music was performed there by the Sing Sing Singspiel Chorus in 1926, resulting in immediate solitary confinement.

Following his release in 1929 (largely for good behavior due to poor penmanship), he served a long-term apprenticeship on the New York Stock Exchange, then turning to music entirely. He wrote the notable Ticker Tape Tango, the I've Got Them No Shoes, No Socks, One Square Meal A Month, Rat-Infested Cold Water Flat, Under The Bathroom Table Without No Clean Sheets Or Pillow To Hold Up My Boil-Infested Head And Scrawny Neck Blues, and the famous Chutzpah Symphony, first published by Krumfuss & Scheisskopf in 1933 in Berlin. (This was used the following year in extracting confessions from Czech patriots by the developing Reichstag.) By 1940 he had been convicted of pre-war treason by the United States Intergovernmental Commission on Intellectual Defecation, spending 15 years among the ancient leper-singers of Hoboken. This turned him away from composing and toward writing once again, and the discovery of Karmora archives further revealed new directions.

On July 14, 1955, his penitence was recognized by the National Endowment for the Arts, which stipulated that he could continue to compose so long as he limited his scoring to one instrument at a time. The following year he produced Hiccups for 43 instruments and solo chorus, the Symphony Of Blips, and Solitude Nocturne for the performing commode, an instrument of his own invention. His most remarkable composition to date is Hooby Oarkoid for recorder duo, a work which resulted in his present ten-year sentence. During this time, he finished work on The Karmora Papers.

His pen hand is currently on the mend. next

The Karmora Papers is Copyright ©1976,1993,1996 by Dennis Báthory Kitsz and David Gunn. All rights reserved. If you enjoy this book, an appreciation fee of any amount may be made to Dennis Báthory-Kitsz or David Gunn at Malted/Media Productions, 176 Cox Brook Road, Northfield VT 05663.

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